Country Profile – Afghanistan

Background:

An Islamist tribal leader conquered inferior tribes and named his kingdom Afghanistan. Depending on who was paying better, the country was under either the Russian or British influence for decades pretending to be a buffer between both. With the arrival of actual literacy in the Royal family, the country was declared independent of notional British control in 1919. It was followed by attempts of secularizing and freeing the country out of the self built pariah state. That was not to be.

Shinwari Tribesmen after Chasing Away the Infidel King

Shinwari Tribesmen after Chasing Away the Infidel King

Tribes were not particularly pleased with the Royal Family, especially after having seen the Queen bareheaded in public. How dare Amanullah! They unleashed their jihadist wrath on the King and made him run for his life.

Democracy never developed beyond experimentation. Two different versions were imported in 1973 and 1978. This laboratory of the Left and the Right was then faced with the wrath of the Allah’s bodyguards. Communists extended an invitation to the Soviet Union to join the fun in 1979. This touched off a chain of Jihadi and anti-Jihadi wars that turned the country of the people into the country of the god and ghosts. Mullah’s accused the Socialists of insulting the heavenly judgement by redistributing wealth and land. How dare they!

The extreme religious Right claimed moral superiority as apparently the old Allah and his bodyguard tribes were on their side. The USSR withdrew in 1989 leaving the country with wrath and wrath-ists everywhere. Allah’s bodyguards then turned on each other and everyone else claiming to have support and instructions from some invisible being, which sent instructions in Arabic from across the borders. Allah’s presidential guards took over Kabul in 1996. These saints were Allah’s direct descendents and were therefore obliged to carry out heavenly punishments for all minor and major issues. Apparently Allah and his descendents did not only not like their former bodyguards but people of different shapes and colors as well. The quick solution was to homogenize the population through genocide and public executions. With a superior version of the religion came superior operations and super deeds!

Islamic Democracy In Action

Islamic Democracy In Action

Inline with the tradition of the turning against the boss, Allah’s descendents attacked their anti-Soviet sponsors on 11 September 2001 killing over 3000 people. It was the bodyguards’ turn all over again. Intense American and European pressure made them sit together and talk, for a change. Out they came with better marketing and brand new packaging. Hamid Karzai was now the charislamatic leader of the Islamic Islapublic of Islaghanistan. Islamic Assembly was inaugurated the following December to provide the bodyguards and ‘former’ descendants with a cave like environment so that they could sit together, threaten each other, beat women MP’s, ban Television shows and legislate a new Islamic order every other day. Of course, the overthrown Allah’s committed descendants haven’t liked any of this and have so far successfully killed thousands on the disliked public and strangers.

Geography

Location:
Somewhere between the poppy fields and the local mosque

Geographic Coordinates:
600 AD, 700 AD

Map references:
Arab Proxy State

Area:
Frequently changing and volatile

Land boundaries:
Only with Islamic countries (Non-Islamic countries don’t exist!)

Coastline:
Varies with blood flow

Climate:
Depends on the amount of explosives used; Very hot insurgency seasons, heavy jihad flow all year around

Terrain:
Large graveyards; minefields in the north, south, east, west and center, large inhabitable caves – terrorists only

Elevation extremes:
Lowest point: mildly extreme
Highest point: ultra extreme, too extreme for the metric system

Natural resources:
Anything that can be used as weapon, Soviet Weapons, US dollars, Arabic books, lots of explosives, lead, sulfur, beards

Land use:
Arable land: very little (poppy only)
Permanent crops: less (poppy only)
Other: (poppy only)

Irrigated land:
The Poppy fields in Helmand and Badakhshan

Children play in the Poppy fields of the Autonomous Region of Poppyistan

Children play in the Poppy fields of the Autonomous Region of Poppyistan

Natural hazards:
Frequent suicide attacks, Arabs, Pakistanis, Afghans and other Muslims, RPG’s, Tribes, Afghans, everyone

Environment – current issues:
Limited brain function; inadequate logic; mental degradation and retardation; ultra-religious; much of remaining minds dead or in hiding and fleeing the country, Quranic and other religious pollution

Environment – international agreements:
AlQaeda, Taliban, Long time Islamist sanctuary

People

Population:
Declining fast

Age structure:
0-14 years: Numbers growing fast due to over-breeding
Young people: Fleeing out at an unprecedented rate
50 years and over: Only a few, most don’t make it that far

Median age:
Total: die young
Male: die young
Female: die even younger especially if married off to that old village mullah

Population growth rate:
Negative

Birth rate:
One birth per soon-to-die mother per year (Husband gets another breeding machine soon after)

Death rate:
High among females and Children, High among males in the South and elsewhere

Sex ratio:
At birth: 1.05 male(s)/female
Under 15 years: 1.05 male(s)/female
15-64 years: 1.05 male (females disappear)
65 years and over: Very few males, no females
Total population: Male, A few female politicians

Infant mortality rate:
Colossal

Life expectancy at birth:
No

Total fertility rate:
43 children per woman unless she dies at the end of the first pregnancy

HIV/AIDS :
What is that!? Oh, Aid. Yes, our economy lives on UN and US Aid

Major infectious diseases:
Degree of risk: critical
Food or waterborne diseases: extremism, fundamentalism, tribalism, mullahs
Vectorborne disease: warlords, contractors
note: some infections prevalent since the arrival of Islam, other infection rates increase with Saudi, Iran and Pakistani involvement

Nationality:
noun: Terrorist(s)
adjective: Bearded, Towel-headed, Veiled

Ethnic groups:
Pashtun 110%, Tajik 110%, Hazara 110%, Uzbek 110%, Others don’t have powerful warlords

Religions:
Sunni Muslim 80%, Shi’a Muslim 19%, Confused and sick tired of it all 1%

Languages:
Dari and/or Pushto depending on who is in power

Literacy:
No

School life expectancy:
Schools are burned down

Education expenditures – percent of GDP:
Not yet

Government

Country name:
Conventional long form: Islamic Islamopublic of Islafghanistan
Conventional short form: Terroristan
Local long form: Dawlat e Islami e Arabi e Islamistan wa Afghanistan
Local short form: Mujahidistan (North), Talibanistan (South)
Former: Battlefield Afghanistan

Government type:
Islamic Fundamentalists and puppets

Capital:
Name: Kabul
Geographic coordinates: Between a dirt city and a gutter
Time difference: 1000 years behind

Independence:
Not Yet and not in the near future

National holiday:
Everyday a warlord/Arab saint dies

Constitution:
Islamic books, Mullah, Everything goes

Legal system:
1400 years old
An eye for an eye
Both eyes for an eye if you are a student, a journalist, a convert or a woman
None for Officials, Islamists and Warlords

Executive branch:
Father of Nation, Uncle of Nation, Aunt of Nation, President of Nation, Zero of Nation, Dead of Nation and others

Judicial branch:
Nine member bench of Islamic fundamentalists

Political parties:
Islam, Tribe, Ethnicity

Political pressure groups and leaders:
Local Mullahs and Warlords, Saudi Arabia, United States, Pakistan, Iran, … India (!?)

International organization participation:
NATO, US Army, ISAF, Arab Terrorists, Pakistan Zealots, Irani Ayatollahs

Diplomatic representation in the US:
Zalmay Khalilzad

Diplomatic representation from the US:
Zalmay Khalilzad

Flag description:
A piece of cloth bearing a mosque and illegible religious text

Economy

Economy – overview:
Narco-state, US+Saudi+Irani funding, NGOs

GDP (purchasing power parity):
Most Afghans can’t afford to buy

GDP (official exchange rate):
90% of Global Opium Production (and proud)

GDP – real growth rate:
Constant since 2003

GDP – per capita (PPP):
$0.0000000001 for ordinary Afghans, $100000000 for warlords, smugglers and NGO employees

GDP – composition by sector:
Opium: 80%
Arms: 10%
Bribe: 10%

Labor force:
Mainly women

Labor force – by occupation:
In Hospital: 30%
Dead: 50%
Unable to get to a hospital: 20%

A Liberated Afghan Woman

A Liberated Afghan Woman

Unemployment rate:
90%

Population below poverty line:
95%

Budget:
Revenues: $715 million
Expenditures: Wages for MPs and Warlords, Private Security Contractors

Agriculture – products:
Opium

Industries:
AK47 and Opium factories

Electricity:
Twice a week, Three hours a day

Oil – production:
None (Thankfully so)

Natural gas:
In the northern region of Dostumistan

Exports:
90+% of Global Opium Exports (and Proud!)

Imports:
Arab and Pakistani terrorists, Suicide vests, Iran-trained clerics, Copies of the Quran and other religious texts

Communications

Telephones:
24 hr service between the White House and Kabul Presidential Palace, the rest don’t believe in the Telephone

Radio broadcast stations:
Taliban Propaganda FM, Government Propaganda FM, Religious Madrassas FM, Muji FM

Television broadcast stations:
Government, Tolo Television (Soon to be overrun by Sayyaf and company)

Transportation

Airports:
Bagram, Kandahar and other ones of military importance

Pipelines:
Unocaline

Roadways:
Kabul-Kandahar Highway (Highway to Hell)

Military

Military branches:
NATO, ANA, Private Militias

Military service age:
8 years +

Transnational Issues

Disputes – international:
The Durand line – border between Pakistan and Afghanistan, Pakistan’s NWFP, Islamic conquest lands

Refugees and internally displaced persons:
Everyone

Illicit drugs:
Extremism, Islam, Fundamentalism, Ignorance, Opium, Bollywood Movies

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  1. Congratulation,you got the Afghanistan description just right;all readers deserve to have your depiction of this country brought to their attention;I am wondering if you could make some efforts to bring your contents to a much wider audience.
    As to your description of Islam,it falls a little short and i strongly feel you wouldn’t object to calling a spade a spade when it comes to Islam.So ,here are more concrete facts about Islam for all the readers to see.Islam was put together by Arabs in the 7th century AD for the purpose of expanding the Arab conquests and it was brought to Afghanistan by the sword of hundreds of thousands of Arab soldeirs who plundered the entire lands of central Asia ;they slaughtered whole populations,raped women and took lots of theses people into slavery.The reason the Arabs were so successful is the way they composed and constructed Islam which is not only a religion of conquest but also the most fascistic,terroristic religion and ideaology ever created on earth.There is no more haneous religion than islam since it attacks the brain of a person and disables it just like when a virus attacks a cell,it overpowers it to make non-functional.Thus islam is the most evil,the most bloodthirsty,the filthiest and the ugliest of all ever created.It is the definitive plague that sickens humanity everyday and all freedom loving and reasonable people have a responsibilty to rid this beautiful earth of this disease.So, lets go and not rest until this islamic evil is fully eradicated.

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